what triggers your attachment style?

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma. Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. I remember at the start of my recovery process, I started to talk about and accept the abuse I had faced as a child. I did a lot of…

lessons from complex grief

Grief is a complex thing. The research states it has many stages, can be complicated based on the relationship you had with the person you lost, or can be related to losing a state of being or situation i.e. a job. It can take days, weeks, months or years to overcome. Some people never recover…

how i let fear erase me.

I have never made a good decision when fear is involved. Be it fear of upsetting someone, fear of facing a consequence, or fear of change. Every time I have wanted to make progress in my life, a small voice pipes up to remind me “not to get too confident”, “what will happen if you…

will you take a break?

I’ve been silent – it feels like I dropped off the face of the earth. Nothing mattered for a while, only me. I nursed my pain and I licked my wounds in the darkness. Surrounded by everything and needing nothing. The road I was on started to feel too rocky, too unstable. I needed to…

why loving him is toxic to your soul

I stopped believing he loved me when I felt…and saw…definitively and undisputedly, that he had no consideration for my feelings. It’s like I didn’t exist to him. That’s the moment my heart left. I left. – Anonymous Why do we love so much? Why do we love those who do not love us? It’s a…

an infection of the mind

Leave one rotten piece behind and it will infect the whole basket of fruit. When you whip your self into shape, you have to whip every part of you into shape. The past week has been great. Actually, I have been having a pretty good month emotionally and mentally. Whilst I have had moments of…

undisciplined beings

What a year…and its only July. I have drunk my liver into paralysis and been rather frivolous on the junk food. I lack self-discipline. Growing up, discipline was something that was forced into you using any means necessary. We wore the same uniforms at school, knee length skirt and no shorter, bleached white socks (though…

the monkey on my back

I feel like I have a monkey on my back. It sits there quietly most days. Then some days when I encounter conflict with people around me, it doesn’t matter who and at what level that conflict is…the monkey wakes up. It squeals, screeches and jumps around. Nerve-inducing. The conflict could be as minor as…

re-balancing after trauma

If I rub on your arm right now several times over, you won’t react..but you might get annoyed after a while at the irritation of the feeling. Now, imagine you have a burn or a healing scar in that area and then I start rubbing it. You would immediately pull your arm back, wince at…

my battle with delayed gratification

Delayed gratification – what does this actually mean? There is a famous ‘marshmallow experiment’ conducted by Stanford University in the late 1960s and 70s. In summary, children were offered one marshmallow and told that if they waited (and didn’t eat it within a period of 15mins) then they would be given a second marshmallow. The…

the silly excuses african women make

This morning I went for my usual 5K run. It started off badly, I tripped several times, my eyes were puffy, I hadn’t slept well and my breathing was off. I cursed the pavement, I cursed the sky, I cursed everything I could see. I felt like crap! But, I persevered and 10mins later, I…

i am to blame for my broken relationships

Taking ownership, being accountable. What painful and terrifying things to do. More so if you are as stubborn as I am! Today I had no choice but to take several steps back and re-evaluate my intimate relationships and their subsequent failures. We’ve all heard the saying “you are the common denominator in all your failed…